Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
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