She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
