Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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