it's too hot outside to masturbate.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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