Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
