Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
We are all done wearing pants today
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
