she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
