I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
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