You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
