I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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