Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
how do you play pong handcuffed?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
