it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
You're breaking my sexual little heart
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
