Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Acid is not a monday night drug
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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