So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
