I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I miss vodka workout Fridays
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Randomize
