Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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