You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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