If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
