i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
