tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Randomize
