I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
