Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
