Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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