Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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