i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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