if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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