1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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