It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
