fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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