Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
