What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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