we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Dick very happy bro
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
