weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
