Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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