so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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