WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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