I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
