guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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