my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Mom said you looked used
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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