I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
