i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
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