Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
so much tequila, so little girl.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
