I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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