I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
