My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
