you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
