Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize