oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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