I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
It's not a walk of shame if you run
This can only be settled by a dance off.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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