and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
