apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
