So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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