I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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