I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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