i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
