based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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