I need to stop coming to work sober
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
