At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Randomize
