I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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