phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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